The Fastest Phone in the West

I've started noticing a pattern.

I call home.

Rachael answers.

Rachael hangs up on me.


Now, I don't consider myself to be an overly sensitive type.  But after my wife hangs up on me almost every time I call home, even I start to wonder if she's mad at me.  She swears she's not.

So now I'm left to wonder if she really is NOT mad, or if this falls into the large chasm of comments that wives make, waiting to see if their husbands will know they mean just the opposite:

"No, honey, I don't mind if you work late again."

"Nothing's wrong." 

"I'm fine."

"Of course it doesn't bother me that your secretary is gorgeous."

Now, I do have to be fair here.  Rachael is usually pretty good about telling me what she truly thinks or feels.  So, after considering, I had to conclude that she really wasn't mad at me.

So, the question is, Why then is she hanging up on me?

If she's not angry, maybe she's just being rude.  The kids can get a little loud at times.  Maybe the crescendo increases right as she answers the phone, she can't hear anyway, so she just hangs up on the unsuspecting caller.

Rachael is typically not rude, but I had to be sure.  I put this theory to the test.  The next time I called and she hung up on me, I paid close attention.  There was no loud shouting or whining or playing from the kids.

What then could it be?

I thought about her favorite retreat.  Maybe she takes a much-needed trip to Rachael Zone Land right as I call.  I would discount this idea outright, if it were not for the incessant zones I see her slip into.  I mean, it is possible.  Maybe she answers the phone right as she's taking the first imaginary step into the zone.  As the phone rises to her mouth and she says 'hello', she lifts the second foot and moves on in.  At that point, real life disappears instantly.  Without realizing it, she has dropped the phone, and it hangs up.

I knew the only way I could test this theory out was to watch when she answered the phone on others.  This was when I got much closer to finding the answer.

One night, the phone rang.  I sat back expectantly, waiting and watching.

Rachael answered.

"Hello?"

I don't think she had fully pronounced the question mark yet, when she was already hanging up the phone. 

I said, "Who's that?"

"I don't know, some telemarketer."

"How do you know?"

"Well, when they don't say anything right away, I know the computer is calling and in the process of clicking me over to a live person.  When that happens, I just hang up right away."

Ah ha!

So, I tested out the newly formed hypothesis.  The next time I called, it went a little something like this:

"Hel"

"Hi, hon.  How's it going?"

"Fine."

Of course, now she probably thinks that I'm the rude one, but what can one do.  Besides, when it seemed like she might be upset, I asked her what was wrong.

"Nothing."

Of course, I'm not totally sure if 'nothing' means 'nothing' or 'something' or even 'everything', but I have to assume I'm OK.

Because she still takes my calls.  And she never hangs up on me. 

So, if you ever need to call Rachael on our home number, be sure your words are ready.

The race is on and Rachael can hang up quicker than most people can say 'hello'.



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