The Insecure Friend

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"I, a stranger and afraid

In a world I never made."

-A. E. Housman

If you've not yet checked out the original post for this series, please do so now.  Rachael recently brought up an interesting topic regarding how our ability to co-mingle with others is affected by our own hang-ups, or the lack thereof.  This got me thinking about the various hang-ups we all have.

Today, we're looking at The Insecure Friend.  You know the one.  This person needs constant re-assurance whenever they are talking to their friends.  While you want to be a help to them, you eventually get tired of being the eternal placater.

A typical conversation will go something like this:

Insecure Friend:  "I'm just not sure what to do about my work situation.  What do you think?"

You:  "Well, it sounds like you've been given a great opportunity- I'd go for it, if it was me."

Insecure Friend:  "Yeah, but I just don't know if I'm good enough to do that."

---Long dramatic pause---

(This is where you are supposed to read the invisible cue-cards they are holding up and say..."

You:  "Of course you're good enough.  You've done it a long time and you'll do fine."

Insecure Friend: "I don't know if I'm smart enough..."

---Another long dramatic pause---

You  (reading invisible cue cards once again):  "Of course  you are- Remember when you tackled your last project- You did great with it."

The temporary look of happiness on their face as a result of your compliment is instantly replaced with deep-browed wrinkled worried eyes.

Insecure Friend:  "Do you really think I could...?"

So, how would the perfectly well-adjusted individual with no hang-ups handle this situation?  Would they continue to appease them with their compliments, or would they discern the fact that doing so is actually reinforcing inappropriate behavior?  Would they find a kind way to talk to their friend about the problem?  Would they ignore it?

What do you suggest?

While the following is sometimes maybe fun to consider, it is probably not the best choice:

Insecure Friend: "I'm just not sure what to do about my work situation. What do you think?"


You: "Well, it sounds like you've been given a great opportunity- I'd go for it, if it was me."
Insecure Friend: "Yeah, but I just don't know if I'm good enough to do that."
---Long dramatic pause---

(This is where you are supposed to read the invisible cue-cards they are holding up.  But in this case, the cards seem to have been smudged because you can't quite make out the words.  oh well, you say what you've wanted to for so long...
You: "Yeah- You may not be good enough.  Better to play it safe than to find out."

Insecure Friend: "Well, I just don't know if I'm smart enough..."
---Another long dramatic pause---
You (mis-reading invisible cue cards once again): "That's a good point.  That position would require a lot of cognitive ability."

Insecure friend walks off stage-left.


Obviously, none of us wants to do this.  No one wants to hurt their friend.  So the big question is, 'How do you help them?'  Not necessarily help them to feel better right now, because the answer to that seems to lead to the inevitable never-ending circle game of constantly buttressing their weaknesses while they practically require your praise as much as the food or water or air they need.  But how do you help them long-term?

Wikihow says you should basically keep complimenting them until they begin to see themselves more positively.  Again, I'm not sure that's the best route to take for their permanent happiness.

At this point, you might want to click this link.  It is a very silly video and song.  You can either watch it, or just listen to it while you keep reading, but it's meant to help those that are feeling small and insignificant.  I think it might just do the opposite, but you be the judge.

My best guess at a solution to the problem is that a recommendation for them to read some good books that deal with why we have the problems we do would be in order.  I would strongly recommend just about anything by Cloud/Townsend.  They are the authors of the 'Boundaries' series.  They have great insight and provide biblically-based sound advice for those that are hurting and struggling.  And even for those that aren't.  I don't think anyone could read their books without gaining some insight about themselves.  Check it out at http://www.cloudtownsend.com/.

For those of us that are dealing with our own baggage, here is an excellent video clip from Cloud/Townsend.

So, what are your thoughts?  Any success stories?  Any attempts that either worked, or did not?  Looking forward to your comments...

-The Poor Husband

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