The Cell Phone Stun Gun

The scream pierces the otherwise silent vehicle.

The female passenger jerks spasmodically in a way that suggests she may be getting electrocuted.

The 4 others in the vehicle begin to laugh as the innocent victim recovers from her harrowing incident.

While these statements could be part of a novel detailing the adventures of a psychotic family gaining merriment at the expense of the hapless and helpless female victim, in actuality, they just chronicle a very ordinary trip home from church when you live Life With Rachael.

Rachael, like a lot of you, often has her cell phone set to vibrate, or in her case 'stun', to ensure it doesn't unnecessarily disturb a serene service at church.  This is a great idea.

And lots of fun.

For whatever reason, when Rachael's phone vibrates, it scares the tarnation out of her.  She'll jump.  She'll scream. 

And, often, she'll then give me the hairy eyeball look.  The one all of you husbands know. 

This is because I have learned how to be an effective Rachael cell phone stunner.  For those of you that have read the other posts here, you may remember that Rachael has a tendency to transition into her own magical land, The Rachael Zone, fairly easily.  So sometimes when we're driving home from church and I have a fairly reasonable chance of her cell phone still being set to 'stun', I'll wait until I see her slackened jaw, far-off eyes, and other signs that she is no longer residing in the truck. 

When that happens, I'll slowly and slyly (at least I like to tell myself I'm sly) reach down and grab my cell phone, careful to not catch Rachael's attention.  I'll then push the button to call Rachael's cell, knowing that the ride is about to get a lot more exciting in about 5 seconds or so.

5...

4....

3.....

2......

1.........

"Aahhhhhhh!!!"

The whole car smiles.  Or at least 4 of the 5 people inside of it do.

While I'm a little worried I could possibly get a ticket for driving and talking on the cell phone, I think it's unlikely.

I'm not actually talking.

Besides I think that I could just show the officer a video of Rachael's reaction and we'd all soon be laughing together and I'd escape a ticket.

I think there are a few people in the world that should not use hands-free devices.  I know the government knows best, but sometimes they actually do more harm than good.  In fact, I recently read an article about someone that may very well be a long-lost relative of Rachael's.  At least, they seem to share the same aversion to cellular hands-free devices.

Check out the articles below.  They talk about a man that was so surprised by his hands-free device that he went off the road into a canal.  He then used his gun to shoot out the window to swim to safety.

So, the accident was caused by a government mandated hands-free device.  And his safety was ensured by using the all so demonized handgun.  And of course, some of the blame can probably be placed on the ever-evil SUV.

Whatever. 

As long as Rachael keeps jumping and screaming every time I call her, I'll be a happy man.

:-)


Casino guard escapes sinking SUV by blasting out a window with his gun


Associated Press

Posted: 01/18/2010 11:10:09 AM PST

Updated: 01/18/2010 11:10:36 AM PST

A driver whose SUV plunged into a Northern California creek after he was startled when the hands-free device of his cell phone activated, escaped the sinking vehicle by blasting out the window with a handgun.

The 28-year-old man whose name wasn't immediately available is an armed security guard at Thunder Valley Casino, north of Sacramento. He sustained minor injuries in Sunday's accident.

A spokesman for the Roseville Fire Department said the man was traveling northbound on Industrial Avenue in Roseville when the cell phone device activated. The driver was startled and veered off the road through the guardrail. The SUV landed in Pleasant Grove Creek.

He used his gun to shoot himself out, then flagged down a passerby.

ROSEVILLE, Calif. -- A driver whose vehicle crashed into a water-filled canal Sunday morning used a gun to blast out a window and escape to safety, police said.


Authorities said a sport utility vehicle was northbound on Industrial Avenue when it left the road just north of Blue Oaks Boulevard and landed in the water at about 9 a.m.

The driver, seeking to save his own life, used a legally registered gun to shoot out a window as the SUV sank, a bystander said.

The 28-year-old man whose name wasn't immediately available is an armed security guard at Thunder Valley Casino, north of Sacramento. He sustained minor injuries in the crash.

The SUV eventually became submerged in the water.

The man said he was startled when his cell phone activated and that caused him to veer off the road and through the guardrail.
After blasting his way out of the car, the man used the old fashioned tool of flagging down a car to help get him to a hospital.
KCRA.com. contributed to this report.

http://www.nbcbayarea.com/news/local-beat/Driver-Shoots-Way-Out-of-Sinking-Vehicle-81931882.html

Intro and The Chevron Check

So, I fully realize that I will never be able to match the incredible wit and humor of my wife. No, I'm not even going to try. I only like to attempt something I know I can win. That being said, there's often additional information that I know you would be interested in. Feel free to check in here to get the behind-the-scenes information that Rachael does not post on her blog. Sometimes she's too scared, too embarrassed, or maybe just forgot. I don't know. But I think you should. :-)

Take today for instance.

Many of you posted comments on FaceBook asking her what happened with Chevron today. She's a little embarassed about the whole incident and told me that she's not going to talk about it.

But that doesn't stop me.

Rachael is in the room with me and I just told her that I'm telling the story. Her response was an exaggerated groan and a plea for mercy. But that's OK. I'm sure she'll get over it.

So...

I'm sitting at my desk today working diligently to accomplish my tasks. An email pops into Outlook. It's from a friend of ours. She says that she has a great idea for Rachael's next blog topic. She suggested that Rachael write an entry about how she posted a picture of the check she paid to Chevron on her blog.

This check has all of our contact information on it. No big deal. Most everyone knows where we live anyway. Plus, we love company.

Most of you now know where we live. Stop by and say hi sometime. We'd love to have you over. Maybe Rachael will fire up her world-famous chocolate fountain and make you some chocolate-covered strawberries or something.

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. The check also has our Bank routing number on it. And our checking account number. And the check number. And her signature. Basically, pretty much everything needed to make a check forger's dream come true. I mean, usually a criminal has to work a LITTLE bit to get this kind of information. He may have to toss a few garbage cans, climb in the trash at the dump, you know- something like that.

Now that he's met Rachael, he'll never have to worry about that again. Life just got a whole lot easier.

So, I received the email from our friend (thanks Jenny!) and called Rachael immediately. I asked her if she had posted her Chevron pictures on her blog. She cautiously asserted that she had. At this point she knew something was up, but was not sure what. I asked if she had also placed a picture of the check she paid Chevron with. She said yes.

I had not actually seen the blog yet, as I don't make a habit of using paid company time to check on personal issues. So I had to ask:

"Did you leave the bank routing number, our checking account number, and the check number all there for the whole world to see?"

There was a bit of a pause.

And then a miserable response.

"yes."

To her credit, Rachael got off the phone and immediately took the steps necessary to correct the problem.

Within about 10 minutes, I received a follow-up phone call.

She told me that the problem was all taken care of. I was very happy to hear this. I asked her what she had done. She told me that she'd put a stop payment on the check.

I paused, thinking this over.

"So, if I were wanting to forge this check, I'm thinking that I would most likely not use the exact same check number as I know has already been used. Or, if I were going to pay for something check-by-phone, I'm pretty sure, I'd just add 10 to the check number and call it good."

Rachael did not sound happy.

In truth, I do not see how stopping payment on the check helped accomplish anything other than ensuring Rachael gets to visit her favorite gas station in the whole world tomorrow to give them another check. That, and I'm sure the Chevron employee is becoming more and more impressed with her.

But then Rachael went on, and I quickly realized that this whole escapade was going to work out just fine.

Apparently, the bank teller she talked to thought this whole thing was so funny that she told Rachael she would waive the stop-payment fee and get this....



She said, "Oh, I have to read this now." She wants to join the fun at Rachael's blog.

Rachael then gave her the name of her blog. She cracked up laughing. I'm not sure, but I think she was laughing at me. I know it wasn't laughing with me.


The only conclusion I can come to is that Rachael calculated the risk of putting our financial stability on the line in order to increase her blog readership. So now, we have a bank teller that is following the never-ending saga that is our life.

I actually asked Rachael if she did this just to give her more material to write about. She swears she didn't.

She's usually pretty honest.

But you just never know.