The Insecure Friend

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"I, a stranger and afraid

In a world I never made."

-A. E. Housman

If you've not yet checked out the original post for this series, please do so now.  Rachael recently brought up an interesting topic regarding how our ability to co-mingle with others is affected by our own hang-ups, or the lack thereof.  This got me thinking about the various hang-ups we all have.

Today, we're looking at The Insecure Friend.  You know the one.  This person needs constant re-assurance whenever they are talking to their friends.  While you want to be a help to them, you eventually get tired of being the eternal placater.

A typical conversation will go something like this:

Insecure Friend:  "I'm just not sure what to do about my work situation.  What do you think?"

You:  "Well, it sounds like you've been given a great opportunity- I'd go for it, if it was me."

Insecure Friend:  "Yeah, but I just don't know if I'm good enough to do that."

---Long dramatic pause---

(This is where you are supposed to read the invisible cue-cards they are holding up and say..."

You:  "Of course you're good enough.  You've done it a long time and you'll do fine."

Insecure Friend: "I don't know if I'm smart enough..."

---Another long dramatic pause---

You  (reading invisible cue cards once again):  "Of course  you are- Remember when you tackled your last project- You did great with it."

The temporary look of happiness on their face as a result of your compliment is instantly replaced with deep-browed wrinkled worried eyes.

Insecure Friend:  "Do you really think I could...?"

So, how would the perfectly well-adjusted individual with no hang-ups handle this situation?  Would they continue to appease them with their compliments, or would they discern the fact that doing so is actually reinforcing inappropriate behavior?  Would they find a kind way to talk to their friend about the problem?  Would they ignore it?

What do you suggest?

While the following is sometimes maybe fun to consider, it is probably not the best choice:

Insecure Friend: "I'm just not sure what to do about my work situation. What do you think?"


You: "Well, it sounds like you've been given a great opportunity- I'd go for it, if it was me."
Insecure Friend: "Yeah, but I just don't know if I'm good enough to do that."
---Long dramatic pause---

(This is where you are supposed to read the invisible cue-cards they are holding up.  But in this case, the cards seem to have been smudged because you can't quite make out the words.  oh well, you say what you've wanted to for so long...
You: "Yeah- You may not be good enough.  Better to play it safe than to find out."

Insecure Friend: "Well, I just don't know if I'm smart enough..."
---Another long dramatic pause---
You (mis-reading invisible cue cards once again): "That's a good point.  That position would require a lot of cognitive ability."

Insecure friend walks off stage-left.


Obviously, none of us wants to do this.  No one wants to hurt their friend.  So the big question is, 'How do you help them?'  Not necessarily help them to feel better right now, because the answer to that seems to lead to the inevitable never-ending circle game of constantly buttressing their weaknesses while they practically require your praise as much as the food or water or air they need.  But how do you help them long-term?

Wikihow says you should basically keep complimenting them until they begin to see themselves more positively.  Again, I'm not sure that's the best route to take for their permanent happiness.

At this point, you might want to click this link.  It is a very silly video and song.  You can either watch it, or just listen to it while you keep reading, but it's meant to help those that are feeling small and insignificant.  I think it might just do the opposite, but you be the judge.

My best guess at a solution to the problem is that a recommendation for them to read some good books that deal with why we have the problems we do would be in order.  I would strongly recommend just about anything by Cloud/Townsend.  They are the authors of the 'Boundaries' series.  They have great insight and provide biblically-based sound advice for those that are hurting and struggling.  And even for those that aren't.  I don't think anyone could read their books without gaining some insight about themselves.  Check it out at http://www.cloudtownsend.com/.

For those of us that are dealing with our own baggage, here is an excellent video clip from Cloud/Townsend.

So, what are your thoughts?  Any success stories?  Any attempts that either worked, or did not?  Looking forward to your comments...

-The Poor Husband

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The One-Upper Friend

Continuing the discussion of the 'perfectly adjusted friend', how would they handle the One-Upper Friend?  You know the one- They have done everything just a little bit better than you.  The have ran faster, swam farther, belched louder, worhipped longer, prayed louder, worked harder, thought smarter, and created long lists of hang-ups better, than you could ever hope to.

What do you do with such a friend?

Better question- What would the person with no hang-ups, the perfectly well-adjusted person do with such a friend?

I am not sure, but I think it would be fun to do the following, provided your concern for the health of the friendship is not that significant:

**Warning- only do this if you are ready to permanently part ways with your one-upper friend.**


1.  Buy a small digital recorder.  The kind that fits in your pocket.
2.  Hit the record button right before you walk over to begin a conversation with them.
3.  Start talking about how many situps you were able to do.
4.  Wait for the One-Upper to do what he does best. 
5.  Act duly impressed with his prowess.
6.  End the conversation as soon as possible.
7.  Wait a month or two, so the conversation will not be in the fore-front of his brain.
8.  Bring up the conversation of your working out again.  Again mention how many situps you were able to do.  Only this time, state the exact number that he had previously said he was able to do.
9.  Allow him to one-up you as he always does.
10.  Remove the digital recorder from your pocket and press play.  Without saying a word, simply walk away when the recorder has finished.

Then, go home and realize that you one-upped the One-Upper. 

On second thought, is that what you really want to do? 

This is where we all find ourselves in trouble, at times.  In our responses to obnoxious habits of friends, we can often times manifest an exaggerated example of the very fault we disliked in them.

Of course, it is so much easier, and quite a bit more fun, to look for their faults, than it is to examine our own.


But which will be the most beneficial?


**If you liked this post, please be sure to check out a few others, and click the 'follow' button.  And, of course, tell all of your friends about it.  Thanks!  -The Poor Husband**

The Over-Bearing Friend

Recently, Rachael brought up an interesting topic regarding how well a completely well-adjusted person would fare in the world today.

How would they handle The Over-Bearing Friend? 

You know who I'm talking about.  The friend of yours that is completely over-bearing in your relationship with them.  The one that never found a conversation they could not talk louder than.

Would a completely well-adjusted person allow the person to control every conversation, or would they be able to stop The Over-Bearing Friend in his tracks before every train of thought was de-railed?

I have had a few experiences with The Over-Bearing Friend.  I'm sure we all have.  In fact, we've all probably BEEN the over-bearing friend at times. 

If you have one of these friends, it might be fun to plan the following exercise.

1.  Write down a list of things The Over-Bearing Friend is good at or has accomplished.
2.  Begin talking about one of these topics.
3.  Guess before-hand how many seconds it will be before he is talking about his subject.  Without waiting for you to finish, of course.
4.  When he interrupts, do not quit talking like you normally do.
5.  Talk louder, matching him as he talks, volume increase by volume increase.
6.  Be sure you have planned enough to say so you do not have to quit talking due to a lack of material.
7.  Predict before-hand how loud you think you'll have to be talking to keep up with him.
8.  Plan a semi-public place to do this.  Somewhere that is not right beside other people, but close enough that they will hear you after you've raised the volume level three or four times.
9.  When you are both talking at the loudest you anticipate being able to maintain, quit talking completely.
10.  Sit in absolute silence and see how long it takes for The Over-Bearing Friend to cease screaming and lower his volume.  Meanwhile, sit back and enjoy the looks of the people watching your friend belt out his stories to you.

So, what do you think?  What is the correct way to handle a person that is over-bearing?  Has anyone had success in dealing with this without damaging the friendship?

Rachael and The Hang Ups

Saturday was our yard sale day.  We spent all of Friday evening preparing for it and all of Saturday setting it up, selling off a bunch of stuff, and taking it down.  This pretty much consumed our weekend. 

On Sunday mornings, I am typically in charge of making breakfast for the kids and me.  This morning, Rachael woke me up and let me know that we didn't have any oatmeal and that the kitchen was in no condition to try and cook anything. 

We decided on McDonald's. 

On the way there, Rachael decided she wanted to go to Starbucks to get their oatmeal and then meet us at McD's. 

On the way to church, Rachael brought up something she said she was thinking about in line at Starbucks.  She posed the question this way:

"What if two parents could raise a child with absolutely no hang-ups.  They raised this child to be completely, totally, and perfectly well-adjusted with no physical, emotional, or spiritual baggage as a result of poor parenting skills.  Would this child be able to develop stronger, better relationships with others, or would s/he be ostracized due to not being able to empathize or connect with less well-adjusted friends?"

It's an interesting question.

I tend to think that this individual may have fewer friends, but that the friends s/he had would be fairly healthy (relationship wise) people that would allow for strong and lasting friendships.  So, the quantity of friends may be less, but the quality would be greatly increased.

What do you think?

Who are the best adjusted people you know?  (No names, please).  Are they better able to interact with others and develop strong friendships?  Or, no?

This got me thinking about the various types of hang-ups we so carefully guard and protect from childhood as we make our way into the 'real world'.  Here are just a few:

1.  The over-bearing friend.  This friend never saw a conversation he could not talk louder than.
2.  The one-upper friend.  This friend never heard of something you have done that they have not done better.  If you can paint a house in 4 hours, they did it in 3 1/2.  If you lost 10 pounds, they lost 15. 
3.  The insecure friend.  This friend never experienced a conversation with someone without having to get re-assurance about their own self-worth.
4.  The talkative friend.  Can be closely related to the over-bearing friend, but not always.  This person feels awkward if there is more than a .75 second pause in the conversation and is quick to fill every pause with stories of their daily life.
5.  The analytical friend.  Analyzing can be a great thing.  But over-analyzing every single action or word can be quite wearisome to the one that is the subject of the analysis.
6.  The blogging friend.  Oops, I guess that's me.  Better skip that one.
7.  The fair-weather funny friend.  A little alliteration for you there.  This friend is actually quite funny at times.  However, you always laugh at his jokes, even when they are not so great.  He does not return the favor.  You're left wondering if you really have no sense of humor, or if he just isn't gracious enought to return the laughing favor.
8.  The braggart friend.  This is similar to number 2, but this friend does not need to hear about your accomplishments before bragging about their own.  If this person makes lots of money, you know how much.  If this person is strong, you have felt his muscles.  If this friend has a fast car, you have the horsepower memorized from hearing it so often. 
9.  The co-dependent friend.  This friend's 'faults' happen to fit nicely with your 'rescuing'.  And, often, vice-versa.  This can seem like a good thing at first.  But watch out if one friend begins to get healthy- The other will not know what to do!
10.  The prankster friend.  This friend loves to play practical jokes, especially when you are the butt of the joke.  While we all enjoy this at times, some seem to take it to an extreme.

This will serve as a nice list to get the topic started.  How about you?  What hang-ups do you your friends have?  What others should be added to the list?  Check back in the future for a little more detailed description of some of these.

Which of these do you find to be the most annoying?  Have you found any way to effectively deal with them?

-Thankful to be living Life With Rachael so we can have the chance to explore this interesting topic.

-The Poor Husband