The Cell Phone Stun Gun

The scream pierces the otherwise silent vehicle.

The female passenger jerks spasmodically in a way that suggests she may be getting electrocuted.

The 4 others in the vehicle begin to laugh as the innocent victim recovers from her harrowing incident.

While these statements could be part of a novel detailing the adventures of a psychotic family gaining merriment at the expense of the hapless and helpless female victim, in actuality, they just chronicle a very ordinary trip home from church when you live Life With Rachael.

Rachael, like a lot of you, often has her cell phone set to vibrate, or in her case 'stun', to ensure it doesn't unnecessarily disturb a serene service at church.  This is a great idea.

And lots of fun.

For whatever reason, when Rachael's phone vibrates, it scares the tarnation out of her.  She'll jump.  She'll scream. 

And, often, she'll then give me the hairy eyeball look.  The one all of you husbands know. 

This is because I have learned how to be an effective Rachael cell phone stunner.  For those of you that have read the other posts here, you may remember that Rachael has a tendency to transition into her own magical land, The Rachael Zone, fairly easily.  So sometimes when we're driving home from church and I have a fairly reasonable chance of her cell phone still being set to 'stun', I'll wait until I see her slackened jaw, far-off eyes, and other signs that she is no longer residing in the truck. 

When that happens, I'll slowly and slyly (at least I like to tell myself I'm sly) reach down and grab my cell phone, careful to not catch Rachael's attention.  I'll then push the button to call Rachael's cell, knowing that the ride is about to get a lot more exciting in about 5 seconds or so.

5...

4....

3.....

2......

1.........

"Aahhhhhhh!!!"

The whole car smiles.  Or at least 4 of the 5 people inside of it do.

While I'm a little worried I could possibly get a ticket for driving and talking on the cell phone, I think it's unlikely.

I'm not actually talking.

Besides I think that I could just show the officer a video of Rachael's reaction and we'd all soon be laughing together and I'd escape a ticket.

I think there are a few people in the world that should not use hands-free devices.  I know the government knows best, but sometimes they actually do more harm than good.  In fact, I recently read an article about someone that may very well be a long-lost relative of Rachael's.  At least, they seem to share the same aversion to cellular hands-free devices.

Check out the articles below.  They talk about a man that was so surprised by his hands-free device that he went off the road into a canal.  He then used his gun to shoot out the window to swim to safety.

So, the accident was caused by a government mandated hands-free device.  And his safety was ensured by using the all so demonized handgun.  And of course, some of the blame can probably be placed on the ever-evil SUV.

Whatever. 

As long as Rachael keeps jumping and screaming every time I call her, I'll be a happy man.

:-)


Casino guard escapes sinking SUV by blasting out a window with his gun


Associated Press

Posted: 01/18/2010 11:10:09 AM PST

Updated: 01/18/2010 11:10:36 AM PST

A driver whose SUV plunged into a Northern California creek after he was startled when the hands-free device of his cell phone activated, escaped the sinking vehicle by blasting out the window with a handgun.

The 28-year-old man whose name wasn't immediately available is an armed security guard at Thunder Valley Casino, north of Sacramento. He sustained minor injuries in Sunday's accident.

A spokesman for the Roseville Fire Department said the man was traveling northbound on Industrial Avenue in Roseville when the cell phone device activated. The driver was startled and veered off the road through the guardrail. The SUV landed in Pleasant Grove Creek.

He used his gun to shoot himself out, then flagged down a passerby.

ROSEVILLE, Calif. -- A driver whose vehicle crashed into a water-filled canal Sunday morning used a gun to blast out a window and escape to safety, police said.


Authorities said a sport utility vehicle was northbound on Industrial Avenue when it left the road just north of Blue Oaks Boulevard and landed in the water at about 9 a.m.

The driver, seeking to save his own life, used a legally registered gun to shoot out a window as the SUV sank, a bystander said.

The 28-year-old man whose name wasn't immediately available is an armed security guard at Thunder Valley Casino, north of Sacramento. He sustained minor injuries in the crash.

The SUV eventually became submerged in the water.

The man said he was startled when his cell phone activated and that caused him to veer off the road and through the guardrail.
After blasting his way out of the car, the man used the old fashioned tool of flagging down a car to help get him to a hospital.
KCRA.com. contributed to this report.

http://www.nbcbayarea.com/news/local-beat/Driver-Shoots-Way-Out-of-Sinking-Vehicle-81931882.html

Babies Out For Blood

In just a second, I'm going to ask you to close your eyes and use your imagination.

I want you to pretend you're back in the 80's.  Or, for those too young to remember, just think of the various 80's horror movies you have seen.

I want you to turn off your light.

I want you to think of a cold, dark night.

Imagine yourself all alone.

You begin to hear something.  You're not sure exactly what it is, but it sounds ominous.  Out of the corner of your eye, you see a shadow move.  When you look, it seems to retreat out of the room, leaving a violent vacuum in its wake.

So, with that as your preamble, sit in the dark and imagine a blood-thirsty baby stalking you as you sit there.

For those with no imagination, I went ahead and added a trailer for Chucky.



I think they made about 47 Chucky films.  Chucky 1-9, Chuckies, Chuck-O-Luck, Bride of Chucky, Son of Chucky, 3rd Cousin-Twice-Removed Of Chucky, Friend-Of-A-Friend Of Chucky, etc, so I know there must be some fans out there somewhere.

Let's just say that Rachael is anything but a fan.

For those of you that regularly read her blog, My Poor Husband, you know that she's doing a series of posts about her pet peeves.  On a similar note, I thought I'd talk about one of her somewhat irrational, sometimes hilarious fears. 

I played a trailer to some movie about a murdering baby with Rachael sitting beside me.  Here is the result:


She is absolutely terrified of baby killers.  Not the abortion doctor kind, but the babies that come and kill you.  While I am sure this must be a frequent part of everyday life for some, I have never yet been subjected to murderous mayhem coming from anyone under the age of 10. 

But that doesn't stop Rachael from being deathly afraid of them.  In fact, when I was trying to watch the 'Chucky' trailer, Rachael went a little crazy in terror.  I took a picture for you to enjoy.  I couldn't even watch the whole trailer, so if it turns out to be anything other than a Chucky trailer, someone be sure to let me know.

Rachael listening to the Chucky Trailer

I thought of this phobia of Rachael's when I was in Target the other day.  I walked by a row of little innocent looking baby dolls. 

But they were not at all innocent.

They were programmed to start talking and cooing and moving their heads and all the other things the manufacturers could think of when you walked by them.  Just so your kids will say they absolutely must have one. 

Anyway, as I walked by them and they all started making their baby noises at once, I couldn't help but think that Rachael would freak out if she walked by this aisle.

Since she could not see it in person, I made sure to take a picture:

And a couple videos:

So, the next time you're settling down for a nice relaxing book to read, or a soothing bath, or just all alone on a cold, dark, stormy night, keep at least one eye on the dolls in your house.  They may mutinize and come after you when you least expect it.  And, if you know Rachael is going to be alone, do me a favor and bring a Chucky doll over to our front door, ring the doorbell, run away, and record the reaction when Rachael opens the door.

I'm pretty sure that would be a great blog post.

So, what about you?  Do you have any irrational fears?  The only one I have is an irrational fear of having my head under water.  While I used to sometimes freak out just from taking a shower, I have now progressed beyond that.  After all, there are too many murdering babies out there to stick your head under the shower-stream.

Someone needs to keep an eye on them.

Feel free to share your own irrational fears in the comments section.

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